Postpartum Sex Drive: Libido & Lube After Giving Birth
L is for lube and libido, you guys, I couldn’t separate the two, we had to go into them both. Libido is sex drive and we are talking about postpartum sex drive.
Lube and libido, both things that have a huge impact on our sex and intimacy after baby, and we’re going to break down, what happens to our libido after we have a baby, what kind of lube might be right for you, and how we can kind of get into this sexual intimacy space again, without feeling like shit.
And without just trying to get it done.
Because believe me,I know that some of us have had these experiences where we’re just trying to get it over with. And actually, I want your intimacy to be fulfilling and exciting and good for you, even as a new mom.
What Is Libido and Does It Change After Giving Birth?
First, what is libido? And how is it impacted in the lives of new moms?
So libido is this term used to describe the sex drive or desire that one has. It might be a high libido it might be a low libido. A high sex drive, or we’re ready we’re raring to go, or low sex drive- no, I’m not interested.
Your libido can be impacted by internal and external factors. This means the hormones that are inside speak to your body, your body talks to itself and interacts with other parts, and so our hormones can tell us if our sex drive is elevated or not.
Sleep, Hormones and Libido After Birth
Other things like stress, lack of sleep, and other circumstances can impact this postpartum sex drive or libido. Specifically, when it comes to new moms, libido can be impacted by hormone levels, which we know in postpartum are all over. They’re like riding this roller coaster for a number of reasons.
But our hormones are changing, they’re going up, they’re or going down, they’re regulating in different areas. And so for some women, this might mean an escalated libido, maybe you are feeling it more than you ever did. Or, more often than not, this can be decreased levels of postpartum sex drive and libido.
Breastfeeding Impact on Sex Drive
Second, but not totally unrelated, is breastfeeding. So if you are nursing, or perhaps you’re pumping, the breastfeeding can impact libido because of the way that breastfeeding requires hormone levels to fluctuate and to change. And so what it takes to produce the prolactin that we need for lactating can also have a negative impact on our libido, it can make it much harder for us to have that desire.
RELATED: Boob Problems After Birth
Touched out and Postpartum Sex Drive
Along the same lines is this touch out. When you are breastfeeding or you are holding your baby or snuggling, you’re doing skin to skin you have someone really dependent on you, you can very easily become touched out, you’re done. You don’t want this physical intimacy, you want your body to be left alone. This is another common factor I hear.
Feeling Too Overwhelmed and Exhausted for Sex
Another thing that can impact libido is mental overwhelm. And linked to that is exhaustion. So if you are so overwhelmed, you have so many things running through your brain, you have no time to give your brain the space to de-stress and to enter a place of even thinking about having a sex drive and having intimacy. Along with that is the exhaustion. We can’t get mental clarity, we can’t be proactive, we can’t have a lot of the things that it requires to get into that libido, sex drive space, when we have mental overwhelm and exhaustion.
Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Sex Drive
Postpartum depression, again, we’re talking about hormones. We’re talking about this kind of mental and emotional shift. Postpartum depression is often linked to low libido. Unfortunately, a lot of the medications (but not all of them) that we use to treat postpartum depression, these different SSRIs can have a side effect of lowering your libido as well. And so this is something to discuss with your medical provider.
Related: Postpartum Resources
How to Deal with Low Libido After Giving Birth
1. First, I encourage you to take away the pressure to make it to a certain ending point. Okay, so when you’re re-entering intimacy with your partner, when there’s this pressure to get to this certain place, such as an orgasm, then we have this kind of mental overwhelm. With this pressure we feel guilty. There’s a lot of interacting factors here. So take off that pressure as you’re getting back into intimacy.
Don’t focus on the ending point, but focus on the experience.Not the destination, the journey and work on how you can reinvigorate that intimacy.
RELATED: Sex After Baby, Am I Ready?
2. It’s important to know that it can take a lot more time and energy for you to warm up. This means more foreplay, which may be physical foreplay, but this might also be this mental and emotional connection that you’re requiring from your partner. If you’re feeling extremely overwhelmed, you’re going to need this communication and connection point with your partner. So that you can get into a place of knowing things are taking care of, I can take this space, I can enter a space of even thinking about intimacy and trying to reinvigorate my libido.
So let your partner know what you need.
Maybe it’s some sexy text throughout the day, maybe it is taking care of the kitchen and making sure that’s all cleaned up so that you don’t have to think about it and you can enter this intimate space. Maybe it is some physical kind of foreplay. Think about what it requires for you to warm up and give your libido a chance to even be activated.
Vaginal Dryness After Having a Baby
When you get to the place where you’re like, Okay, I found my sex drive and entering this space, I can start to get into it again, you might notice that you have a lot of dryness. So we’re going to talk also about lube and how this plays into everything.
So these hormone shifts of postpartum can also cause a lot of vaginal dryness. Breastfeeding can prolong this. I’m telling you lube, lube, lube, liberal amounts of lube when you are returning to intimacy after having a baby.
Which Lube Will Work for You for Postpartum Sex?
For some of you that might be unusual. Maybe that wasn’t what you were used to before. Maybe you feel a little discouraged, like, Oh, do I even want this? Is my body telling me a different message? But know that vaginal dryness is very common. It won’t last forever, and lube can be your best friend.
So when we’re looking for lube, I’m actually encouraging you to be mindful of what kind of lube you’re using.
-Because it’s going in and on your vagina, which is kind of a delicate space and worth taking care of.
-Because some of them can actually not work well with you.
So one question you want to ask yourself is if this will pull any of the natural moisture out of your vagina, we don’t want this. These are the lubes with propylene glycol and glycerol. These two elements can actually extract the moisture from your vagina instead of adding extra to it.
Another question you want to ask yourself is if the lube you’re using is compatible with whatever your preferences are. So if you’re using condoms, is this a lube that is compatible with condoms? Is it something that you can use in the water? Is it toy friendly?
Postpartum Sex Drive: Learn More & Talk to Other Moms
So for the taboo ABCs of postpartum for L we have chosen lube and libido because these are such important parts. And these are things that are so commonly experienced by women but not talked about. So don’t be afraid to bring this up with your medical provider with your friends with the postpartum together new mom groups because it is common to have a change in libido and it is also common to need some extra lube and there should be no shame about that.
Want to learn more about the changes in your body, mind, and emotions after a baby and how it can impact your intimacy?
Is your partner sexually frustrated and you’re unsure how to talk about postpartum sex and intimacy?
Do you want to communicate and connect better so that your sex life can improve?
Want ideas for ways to connect?
Check out Back in the Sack: A self-paced eCourse.
In this eCourse you’ll hear from a number of experts who share all about your body and brain after baby and how you can get back into the groove with confidence and connection (instead of resentment and fear).