Finding Balance in the Season of Co-Sleeping: For Your Marriage and Your Sanity

If you’re in the trenches of co-sleeping, trying to juggle the needs of your baby, your partner, and yourself, let me start by saying that you are not alone. The early days of parenting can feel like a tug-of-war (or tug-of-boobs) between your roles as a mom and a partner, especially when co-sleeping enters the mix.

Let’s break down why it can feel so hard, and talk about how to navigate it without losing your connection (or your mind) as a couple. While I'm never here to tell someone what decisions to make about their parenting, I am here to say that you find what works for you. Personally, co-sleeping has led to a lot more sleep in my house for the past 8 years and I wouldn't go back. However, I know and respect that many of my friends have never been co-sleepers and it wouldn't work for their family and lifestyle.

Why Co-Sleeping Is More Than Just Sleeping

For many moms, co-sleeping isn’t just a choice—it’s an instinct. From the moment your baby is born, an overwhelming biological and emotional drive pushes you to keep them close. This isn't just about sleep—it's about bonding, comfort, and survival.

When you bring your baby into your bed, it’s more than just convenience or necessity. There’s a deep, almost primal instinct to keep your baby close. Your body releases hormones like oxytocin, often referred to as the "bonding hormone," which strengthens the emotional connection between you and your baby. This powerful chemical bond promotes attachment, emotional security, and an innate desire to protect your little one. Co-sleeping allows this bond to deepen, helping both you and your baby feel more emotionally grounded.

You may notice that the act of keeping your baby next to you brings a sense of calm—both for you and for them. As your baby’s first source of comfort and care, your proximity offers reassurance and stability. In those early days, especially, it can feel like the safest and most natural option to have your baby close by, even when it means sacrificing your own sleep. For many moms, co-sleeping doesn’t feel like a conscious choice—it feels like what they’re meant to do.

The Biological Benefits of Co-Sleeping: More Than Just Comfort

While the emotional pull is incredibly strong, the biological benefits of co-sleeping go far beyond simply offering comfort. Studies show that co-sleeping can have real, scientifically-backed benefits for both you and your baby.

For your baby, co-sleeping can help regulate their sleep cycle. Newborns have irregular sleep patterns, and having you close by provides a sense of stability, helping them feel secure and calm enough to fall asleep more easily. Co-sleeping has been shown to promote better sleep quality and can even reduce the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), as babies in close proximity to their mothers are monitored more easily during the night.

Another huge benefit of co-sleeping is its support for breastfeeding. When your baby sleeps near you, they are more likely to nurse more frequently, which can help establish a strong breastfeeding routine. Studies suggest that babies who co-sleep with their mothers often have better feeding success, as the proximity allows for easier nighttime feedings without needing to fully wake up, reducing the disruption of sleep for both you and the baby.

Co-sleeping can also help you, the mom. Having your baby close by reduces the amount of stress you experience during the night. The proximity means you don’t have to get up every few hours to check on your baby, which can significantly improve your quality of sleep (even if it’s not as restorative as you’d like). It also encourages an efficient breastfeeding routine, which supports your body’s production of milk, potentially making breastfeeding easier and more sustainable in the long run.

These biological factors combined—improved breastfeeding, better sleep for your baby, and reduced stress for you—make co-sleeping a powerful tool in the early parenting toolbox. It’s not just a survival tactic; it’s a practical, evidence-supported method that meets both you and your baby’s needs.

But While Co-Sleeping Meets Your Baby’s Needs, It Can Also Challenge Your Partnership

Despite the emotional and biological benefits of co-sleeping, it can create tension in other areas of your life—especially in your partnership with your spouse. While co-sleeping might feel like the best option for you and your baby, it can also inadvertently push your partner into the background, both physically and emotionally. I know because I work with couples as a coach and I get to hear their resentments, their disagreements, and their goals for their family.

One of the biggest challenges couples face when co-sleeping is the impact on intimacy. The bed that once served as a space for connection, affection, and sex now serves as a place for caring for the baby. With your baby occupying so much of the physical space and emotional energy in your relationship, it’s easy to see how physical intimacy can fall to the wayside. Many parents feel the weight of this shift and the emotional distance it can create. These are the kinds of disconnects I can help you figure out in your relationship through coaching.

Additionally, the sleep disruptions that come with co-sleeping can lead to irritability, stress, and tension between partners. When one person feels like they’re sacrificing their sleep—or not getting the same quality of rest—they might begin to feel frustrated or disconnected. These challenges can compound over time, making it harder to find moments of intimacy or reconnection.

And let's be real—when your bed is no longer just for sleep and cuddling but also a shared space with your little one, it can sometimes feel like your relationship with your partner has taken a backseat to the demands of parenting. That’s a tough reality for many couples, especially when they’re already navigating the exhausting, overwhelming task of raising a newborn. I've heard a number of dads describe themselves as the "third wheel" and that's never anyone's intention, but an important thing to talk through, sometimes with the support of a coach.

But just as co-sleeping meets the needs of your baby, it’s important to remember that your relationship with your partner needs nurturing too. Finding a balance between co-sleeping and intimacy with your spouse is essential for maintaining a healthy, thriving partnership.

What About the Marriage and Sex Life?

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room: sex and intimacy. Many partners (okay, let’s be real—many husbands) might feel left out or even resentful during this season. They miss having the bed to themselves or the connection they once shared with you.
Related: Dealing with Resentment After Having a Baby

Here’s the hard truth: resentment can grow when these feelings go unspoken. If you think resentment is creeping into your relationship, you're in luck because it's the first thing I work with my clients on and I can help you too.

But here’s the good news: this doesn’t have to break your marriage. Co-sleeping is a season, not forever. The key is navigating it together.

How to Navigate Co-Sleeping as a Team

For Moms:

• Communicate Your Why: Share with your partner why co-sleeping feels important to you. Focus on the emotional and practical benefits instead of getting defensive.
• Example: “I know this is hard for both of us. Co-sleeping helps me feel confident that the baby is safe and supported. It’s a season, and I want us to find a way to make it work for both of us.”
• Create Connection Outside of Sleep: Intimacy doesn’t always have to mean sex. Snuggle on the couch after the baby goes to bed, share a cup of tea, or carve out time for an at-home date night.
  
  *If you're not sure how to do this or what to say, let me help you talk through it! I'm here for you!

For Dads:

• Practice Patience: This season is temporary. Your wife isn’t co-sleeping to push you away—she’s following her instincts to meet your baby’s needs.
• Find Other Ways to Connect: Step into bedtime routines or morning snuggles. These small moments build your bond with the baby and your partner.
• Ask What She Needs: Offer support, whether it’s taking over household tasks or giving her a chance to recharge.

Sex, Marriage, and the Long Game

It’s easy to feel like co-sleeping is taking over your marriage or sex life, but here’s the thing: you’re building something much bigger than temporary challenges.

When you prioritize connection and patience, you’re showing your partner and your baby what love looks like in action. You’re modeling teamwork and flexibility. And in the long run, your marriage will be stronger for it.

This, Too, Shall Pass

If you’re in the middle of co-sleeping chaos and feeling like you’re failing at everything, let me remind you: this is just a season. You won’t co-sleep forever. The baby will eventually sleep in their own bed, and you and your partner will reclaim the space you’ve been missing.

For now, lean into the beauty of these fleeting moments. And when it feels hard, remember: you’re not alone.

Need Support?

If co-sleeping and marriage are challenging your connection, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Let’s chat about how to navigate this season with love, patience, and a plan that works for your family.