How to Break Through the Mental Load of Motherhood

As a new mom, I didn’t have the words to say that I needed help with the mental load. I didn’t know what that even meant and I didn’t have the language to communicate it with my husband.

I knew that I was mentally and emotionally exhausted on top of the physical exhaustion. I knew that my brain could not slow down. I knew that it felt like every moment was spilled with research or decision-making or keeping tabs on something that needed to be done.

I knew that it felt like I had no time to think about myself. But it felt like if something went wrong, it would fall on me.

Not because my partner was bad, or wasn’t showing up as a dad, but didn’t understand how much having a baby would impact us, and how much new understanding and communication would be required. Because I’m sure that our brains are biologically wired a little bit differently, but additionally, society perpetuates a lot of messaging around good parenthood.

Seven years later, I teach my parents about how to be a good team. I specifically want to help them have less resentment, fewer arguments, less self-doubt and overwhelm, and stronger teamwork.

The Mental Load of Early Motherhood

In recent years, the concept of the mental load has gained significant traction online and in the media, sparking conversations about gender roles, equity in relationships, and the challenges faced by modern families. Countless articles, social media posts, and personal anecdotes shed light on the reality of the mental load and its impact on maternal well-being. Examples abound, from the mental checklist running through a mom's mind as she prepares for a family outing to the emotional labor involved in managing conflicts and soothing worries within the household.

However, there seem to be limited resources and real strategies for addressing the mental load in your life. This post will give you a better understanding of the mental load of motherhood. Also, I'm providing you with 5 important tips for discussing the mental load with your partner so you can increase teamwork. Doing this brings a lot of value to you personally, and to the relationship. By using these conversations and strategies, couples enjoy more connectedness, less resentment, and more opportunities to see one another as a teammate and partner.

What Does "Mental Load" Even Mean?

The term "mental load" refers to the invisible and often unrecognized burden of managing numerous tasks, responsibilities, and emotional labor that primarily falls on an individual, typically a mother or caregiver. It describes the cognitive and emotional efforts required to keep track of various aspects of daily life, such as household chores, childcare responsibilities, scheduling, and managing family dynamics.

The mental load can include a wide range of tasks including but not limited to:
-Planning meals and grocery shopping to organizing family schedules
-Coordinating doctor's appointments
-Managing finances
-Providing emotional support to family members.

It's often characterized by the constant mental checklist running through a person's mind as they navigate the complexities of family life and strive to meet the needs of everyone involved. If you've ever felt like your brain is a computer browser with 497 tabs open at once, that's what you're describing.

While the term "mental load" originated in discussions about gender roles and household responsibilities, it has broader implications beyond just domestic tasks. The mental load can also encompass the emotional labor involved in managing friendships, extended family, mediating conflicts, and providing care for others, both within and outside the home.

Overall, the concept of the mental load highlights the often unseen and unacknowledged work that individuals, particularly women, take on to maintain the functioning of their households and support the well-being of their families. It's a crucial aspect of understanding the challenges faced by caregivers and the need for equitable distribution of responsibilities within relationships and society as a whole.

How Other Moms Describe the Mental Load

In an informal poll of my audience, seasoned moms described the mental load like this:
-"Carrying all of the schedules, menu plans, bills, due dates, and appointments while also balancing everyone's emotional needs."
-"Being the temperature gauge for the emotional needs of the family, often including the partner."
- "Carrying all the needs in your mind at all times, making sure the glass balls don't drop."
-"Responsibility for making sure what needs to happen does, when it needs to, and how it needs to."
-"Feeling like there's never a break and self-care is far off because you are responsible for everyone's needs first."

The Ongoing Cycle of the Mental Load

Often women, particularly mothers, find themselves in a cycle that perpetuates the mental load. This can be impacted by several things such as cultural backgrounds, societal impact, internalized expectations of parenthood, understanding of what "needs" to be done, societal messages around who is responsible for home and childcare, etc. This will NOT look the same for any two families, but most families face the need to understand, discuss, and plan around the mental load.

5 Tips for Talking to Your Husband or Partner About the Mental Load

The Hidden Cost of NOT Finding Teamwork in the Mental Load

1. Choosing the Right Time and Setting:

Initiating a conversation about the mental load with your partner requires careful consideration of timing and environment. Opt for moments when both you and your partner are relaxed and receptive to communication. Choose a quiet and comfortable setting where you can engage in an uninterrupted dialogue without distractions.

2. Expressing Feelings Honestly:

Honesty is key when discussing the mental load with your partner. Be transparent about your feelings and the challenges you're facing in managing household tasks and childcare responsibilities. Use "I" statements to express your emotions without placing blame on your partner. For example, instead of saying, "You never help with anything," try saying, "I feel overwhelmed by all the household responsibilities."

3. Being Specific About Needs:

When discussing the mental load with your partner, it's essential to be specific about your needs and the areas where you require assistance. Rather than making general complaints, provide concrete examples of tasks that are causing you stress and how your partner can support you. For instance, you might say, "I would really appreciate it if you could take on the responsibility of meal planning and grocery shopping once a week."

4. Listening to Partner's Perspective:

Effective communication involves listening as well as speaking. Allow your partner to share their thoughts and perspectives on the situation. Practice active listening and validate their feelings, even if you may not agree with everything they say. Remember that understanding your partner's viewpoint is crucial for building mutual respect and cooperation.

5. Collaborating on Solutions:

Work together with your partner to brainstorm potential solutions and strategies for alleviating the mental load. Explore ways to redistribute responsibilities more equitably and find practical ways to support each other in managing household and childcare tasks. Be open to compromise and flexible in finding solutions that work for both of you.

Statistics and Research Relevant to the Mental Load

- According to a survey by the American Psychological Association, 75% of mothers report feeling overwhelmed by their daily responsibilities, including managing the mental load.

- A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that women are more likely than men to take on the majority of household and childcare tasks, contributing to higher levels of stress and burnout among mothers.

A study conducted by researchers at Harvard University found that the mental load placed on mothers has a significant impact on their cognitive functioning and decision-making abilities. The study highlights the need for greater recognition and support for mothers in managing the complexities of family life while maintaining their well-being.

Getting Support Around the Mental Load of Motherhood

Discussing the mental load with your partner is essential for fostering understanding, support, and cooperation within your relationship. By following these tips and approaching the conversation with empathy and honesty, you can work together to address the challenges of managing household and childcare responsibilities, ultimately strengthening your bond as a couple and as parents.

Sometimes it's difficult to bring up and continue conversations with your partner about topics that can feel so personal and emotional. Having a third-party expert to help you understand what you and your partner want, how you view the mental load, and how to create a teamwork dynamic that works for both of you can be an invaluable choice that improves the future of your relationship. I help couples do just this. Schedule a free 15-minute exploration call to learn about how I can help you and your partner so that you can enjoy more teamwork, better connection, and more ease.