Infertility Journey: Wishing to be Postpartum

OUR INFERTILITY JOURNEY CONTINUES

Infertility Journey Acronyms:2WW, AMH, BBT, BFN, BFP, B/W, CM, CD, DPO, ENDO, FET, FP, FSH, HSG, IUI, IVF, LAP, LH, LMP, OPK, PCO, RE, SA, TTC

Each acronym serves a purpose in our fertility journey. Owner and operator of Fertility Warrior Podcast, Robyn Birkin, once said on her podcast, “Not everyone tries to get pregnant. If you don’t know these acronyms (she listed a long list like the one above), then pregnancy happened to you. If you know these acronyms, you too have tried to conceive.” This quote has stuck with me for the 464 days that we have been TTC.

A question many people ask married couples is, “When will you start trying to have kids?” I too have asked people this question in the past. Now that I have been TTC, my perspective has shifted, I don’t ask this question anymore. The word “trying” implies if you aren’t pregnant then you’re not trying or not trying hard enough. Trying gets to my core. I am trying more at conceiving a child than I have at anything in my entire life; school, work, career. Without the end result of a pregnancy to show for, people assume that we aren’t trying...that word.

MY LIFELONG DREAM OF BEING A MOM

Since I was a little girl, I imagined being a mom, mommy, momma. Little did I realize, that dream wasn’t as easily attainable as I had always imagined. Being the oldest of 5, I was always a helper with my siblings, a babysitter, and naturally grew up with motherly-like tendencies. From a young age, family, friends, and strangers would comment on how natural motherhood would come to me.

Those comments are now gut-wrenching. It’s so difficult to hear how good you’ll be at something that you want more than anything else you’ve ever wanted before. Something that you are going through emotional, physical, and spiritual roller coasters to figure out the steps to achieve a positive pregnancy test. Deep down I know that people- family and friends- people aware of our fertility difficulties and people not aware, mean well and it is their perspective. However, I wish society didn’t put the filters and ideas into people’s minds to comment about such personal instances.

I wish society didn’t put the filters and ideas into people’s minds to comment about such personal instances.

RELATED: Infertility and Vanishing Twin

WHAT IS THE INFERTILITY JOURNEY TO ME?

The infertility journey is:

• Hard

• Sad

• Test after test, month after month…BFN (big fat negative)

• Knowing your cervical mucus

• Timed intercourse

• Smiling through the silent pain

• Hearing about oops pregnancy announcements and cringing

• Attending a baby shower for another person that isn’t yourself

• Facing your fear of needles for acupuncture

• Addressing your fear of needles for weekly B/W (blood work)

• Facing your fear of needles for ovulation-inducing injections

• Changing your diet to decrease the possible internal inflammation

• Reading blog after blog about other woman’s fertility stories

• Journaling about gratitude, seeking the positives, when each day you are hurting inside more than yesterday

• Seeing a naturopath while working with a fertility clinic (whole-body wellness and approaches)

• Taking vitamins upon vitamins to fill any possible gaps

• Crying at any given moment

• Mood swings

• Talking to insurance on a weekly basis to ensure appointments and medications will be covered

• Paying out of pocket for specialty drugs

• Excluding yourself from social gatherings to avoid the talk of babies

• Excluding yourself from family members who continue to say “Just relax and it’ll happen”

• Listening to pregnant women complain about how long 40 weeks of being pregnant is (we’re at 464 days TTC)

• Being bloated from the hormones; looking pregnant but not actually pregnant

• Intensely irritable

• Situationally depressing

• Sitting in silence with your partner

• Long embraces

• Hand holding

• Pictures throughout the journey with staged smiles

• Not fair

  RELATED: Infertility and Postpartum with Chronic Illness

WAITING THROUGH INFERTILITY: NOT YET POSTPARTUM

I’m not yet postpartum. When I listen to women sharing about their postpartum experience, I connect with them on various levels. Although I have not carried a child in my body, I have various symptoms that women going through postpartum have. I often wonder what my emotional and physical self will do when we do become pregnant, initially and during pregnancy. Will my emotional stance be elated because I finally have a pregnancy, or will I continue on this struggling journey as we embark on a whole new path; pregnancy and motherhood?

Until then we will continue TTC through our Infertility Journey.

Supporting Someone Through Birth Tragedy

Do you know someone who has suffered stillbirth, miscarriage or another tragic birth event? Check out this Psychology Today article from Margaret M. Quinland, Ph.D., and Bethany Johnson MPhil, M.A. on Tips for Supporting Parents and Caregivers in Crisis.

RELATED: Preventing Postpartum Depression (Ecourse)Women who struggle with conception and/or pregnancy and birth complications have preexisting factors that can contribute to postpartum depression. If this is you, you can be proactive with this course.