Mental Load: Why You’re Fighting Over “Nothing”
Have you ever had an argument with your partner about nothing?
Maybe it was about who left the dishes in the sink, who forgot to switch the laundry, or why you always have to remind them to schedule the doctor’s appointment. It feels like a small thing, but deep down, the frustration is huge.
Spoiler alert: It’s not about the dishes. It’s about the mental load—the invisible weight of managing everything in your home, family, and daily life.
If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “I don’t mind doing things—I just hate being the only one who remembers to do them”, this post is for you.
Let’s talk about why the mental load is one of the biggest sources of resentment in relationships—and how to finally shift the balance.
(Prefer to listen/watch? Do so here!)
What Is the Mental Load?
The mental load is the behind-the-scenes work of running a household. It’s not just doing tasks—it’s thinking about them, planning for them, and remembering them.
It looks like:
• Noticing the milk is running low before it runs out
• Remembering when the next pediatrician appointment needs to be scheduled
• Managing the school calendar, the extracurriculars, and the birthday parties
• Keeping track of who needs new shoes and when
It’s the invisible part of the work that makes everything function. And most of the time, one partner carries the majority of this load.
A study from the American Sociological Review found that even in relationships where both parents work full-time, women still take on most of the “cognitive labor” (a fancy term for mental load). That means not just doing the work, but anticipating it, planning it, and making sure it actually happens.
Why the Mental Load Creates Resentment
Here’s what I hear from so many women:
🔹 “I don’t mind doing these things—I just hate that I have to be the one to think about them first.”
🔹 “It’s exhausting to constantly be the one managing everything.”
🔹 “Even when my partner helps, I still have to be the one to ask.”
This is where the resentment builds. Because when you’re always the one keeping track, it feels like you’re the default manager of your home. And when you have to constantly delegate, you’re not getting true partnership—you’re just supervising.
Ever found yourself getting irritated before something even happens because you already know you’ll be the one responsible? That’s called preemptive resentment, and it’s a direct result of carrying too much mental load.
Why Your Partner Doesn’t See It
If you’ve ever tried to explain this to your partner and they’ve responded with something like, “Just tell me what to do!”—I get it. It’s frustrating. But here’s why they genuinely might not see it:
1️⃣ They weren’t raised to see it. Many men grew up in households where moms just handled everything without discussion. It wasn’t modeled for them.
2️⃣ They don’t feel the same consequences. If a permission slip is forgotten, the school emails you. If the house is messy, you feel the pressure—not them.
3️⃣ They think “helping” is enough. A lot of partners truly believe they are contributing—but they don’t realize that remembering, planning, and organizing is a separate job in itself.
This isn’t about blaming men—it’s about recognizing that they often don’t see the mental load because they’ve never been expected to carry it.
But once you see the problem, you can start to change it.
How to Shift the Mental Load in Your Relationship
Here’s what doesn’t work:
• Passive-aggressively doing everything and hoping they notice
• Complaining without a clear solution
• Expecting them to magically start seeing everything you see overnight
Here’s what does work:
1. Have a Direct, Clear Conversation
Instead of:
👉 “I do everything around here!”
Try:
👉 “I don’t want to be the one who has to remember everything. I need us to divide the responsibility of managing our home.”
Make it about partnership—not blame.
2. Reallocate Whole Categories, Not Just Tasks
Instead of:
👉 “Can you pick up milk today?”
Try:
👉 “You’re in charge of groceries from now on—planning, shopping, and making sure we have what we need.”
When someone owns a whole category, they take full responsibility—no reminders needed.
3. Let Them Handle It (Without Micromanaging)
Once they take ownership of something, let them do it their way. No reminding, no double-checking, no stepping in unless they ask for help. If they forget, they deal with the consequences.
Yes, they might do things differently than you. That’s okay. The goal isn’t perfection—the goal is shared responsibility.
4. Have a Weekly ‘Mental Load Check-In’
Once a week, sit down and ask:
📌 What’s on our plate this week?
📌 Who’s handling what?
📌 What feels unbalanced?
This keeps both partners accountable and prevents resentment from building up.
Start addressing the Mental Load in your home
If you’re carrying the mental load alone, it’s not just exhausting—it’s unfair. And you deserve a partner who shares the responsibility with you.
So here’s your challenge:
Take 10 minutes this week to have one conversation about the mental load.
If you’re thinking, “Chelsea, I don’t even know where to start,” I’ve got you.
I created a free PDF with ready-to-use conversation scripts to help you bring this up in a way that actually leads to change.
💡 Grab it here: https://chelseaskaggs.kit.com/relationship-jumpstart
And if this post hit home for you, share it with a friend who needs to hear this. Because we’re done carrying the mental load alone. It’s time for real partnership. ❤️