What Moms Actually Lose When Leaving Their Jobs
Whether it is by choice or circumstance, the decision to leave a job and become a stay-at-home mom or work-from-home mom comes with big adjustments. Mom overwhelm causes stressors and uncertainties for moms at home. The outside pressure + your personal expectations of yourself can cause you to lose confidence, struggle to fill your bucket, and have new things to overcome. In this article, we will discuss 5 things you lose when you leave your job and tips for reframing and having your needs met.
- Perceived permission to spend money
- Accessible friendships and adult relationships
- A space to use your talents
- Feedback for your actions and contributions
- Predictability and control of the day and circumstances
1. Permission to Spend Money
One of the biggest struggles I hear from women who are not working outside of the home is that they don't have "their own" money to spend. When they are not contributing financially to the family, they feel they cannot spend money on themselves. Many of these women forget or overlook the value of their work in the home.
Studies have shown that the work of a stay-at-home mom totals over$ 160,000 when you consider the work that would need to be done otherwise. However, the mom overwhelm can cause women to think their work is not as valuable as that which receives a regular paycheck. When women feel they are not contributing enough, they feel they cannot invest in themselves and the things they may need.
Mindset Shift for the Mom Overwhelm:
If you are struggling to value your time and invest in yourself, get curious about a couple of things:
1. Why is the work you are doing devalued in our society?
2. How can your family function more as a team with different roles, all deserving the fruits of their labor?
3. Can you keep pushing on without losing your shit? Is there an investment in your growth that would allow you to be better for everyone in your home?
Worthiness is a big concept and one women are challenged with from a very young age. You DESERVE to be apprecaited. Moms DESERVE to have spaces to invest in your needs and growth. And, YOU DO NOT have to be a martyr until you are burning from both ends.
CHECK IT OUT: Mastermom Small Groups
2. Accessible Friendships and Adult Relationships
In a recent Instagram poll, 95% of moms said that finding mom friends feels a lot like awkward dating. In the workplace, you may have your "work wife" or your bestie that you get to check in with daily.
You have someone asking about your day.
There's someone to bounce ideas off of.
You might meet up in the breakroom or take a daily walk on your lunch break.
It's not that tiny coworkers in the home aren't adorable, but let's be honest, they don't fulfill that need for more interaction. On top of that, we live in a society that values individualism over community leaving moms alone and isolated more often.
Related: Making Mom Friends
Mindset Shift for the Mom Overwhelm:
If you are struggling to make time to connect with and find friends, ask yourself these questions:
- What do I miss about my work relationships?
- Where would I find women with common interest?
- How can I connect authentically instead of making small talk all of the time?
Finding meaningful friendships is a valuable part of motherhood. Even in a society that tells us we should do and be it all by ourselves we do better in community. It istough to open up and make a connection over real talk, but when you do, it is a gift to both you and the other mommas.
3. A Space to Use Your Talents
There are things you can do that you are really proud of. Maybe it's code the backend of a program. Maybe it's teaching a group. Perhaps you are skilled at mechanical engineering, business strategy, or helping people solve a problem. So, when you take a break from that, you may feel a loss of part of your identity. Something you were known for, was proud of, stimulated your brain... is missing. Sure, there are skills required in taking care of a baby and the home, but sometimes they do not stimulate your talents in the same ways.
Related: More than Mom
Mindset Shift for the Mom Overwhelm:
If you are struggling to feel connected to your talents, ask yourself:
1. How does that skill translate to my current responsibilities?
2. Are there hobbies or flexible jobs that would allow me to reconnect with these?
3. Can I express to my partner what it feels like to be without this part of my identity right now?
Feeling connected to things that make you feel proud, stimulated, and unique is important for our confidence and psyche. Finding a space to express your talent and interest can help you feel like a more fulfilled and well-rounded person. This allows you to give a fuller self to your family so it should be a priority!
4. Feedback for Your Actions and Contributions
This is a big one for people who thrive on words of affirmation or contributing to a bigger picture. While baby smiles are great feedback, we can also crave more affirmation and critical thinking. Also, many moms are craving more than unsolicited advice but struggle to ask for the feedback they need. Our society is heavy on criticism and competition, which does not give us much confidence-building affirmation that we are doing a good job. Because of this, many moms also struggle to believe their own positive thoughts about their performance.
Related: The 5 Love Languages After Baby
Mindset Shift for the Mom Overwhelm:
If you are struggling with a lack of feedback, ask yourself:
1. Can I build in more mantras to encourage myself?
2. Do I stop to celebrate my own victories?
3. Who can be on my team and how do I ask them to give me more affirmation?
Having feedback on your tireless work can help you appreciate yourself and your journey. Sometimes this means building it in intentionally with yourself and someone supporting you. While it might be awkward to say to your partner "I need you to verbalize feedback and affirmation," this conversation can teach them how to love you better.
5. Predictability and Control of the Day and Circumstances
Do you ever feel like, in motherhood, everything is out of control? There is not a direct path to many of the results you are looking for. It's not a predictable pattern. You might sometimes feel like the day has gone and you didn't have a grasp on it. While there are resources to help you maintain a schedule, be direct about your daily goals, etc., it looks and feels much different from a structured workplace.
Mindset Shift for the Mom Overwhelm:
If you are struggling with less control and predictability, ask yourself:
1. What can I build in to be a predictable part of my day?
2. What am I trying to control but is stressing me out more?
3. Why do I struggle with feeling like I can't control things?
Feeling out of control can be a big trigger for moms, especially those dealing with anxiety on any level. It's an important time to evaluate how you may tie control to your self-worth and safety. So, if you are creating predictable patterns but your partner or other support persons are not respecting them, have a conversation about WHY it matters to you and your sanity. Give yourself grace for the reality that a lot of motherhood is unpredictable and you get to grow in your flexibility.
Are you a stay-at-home mom or thinking about leaving your workplace? Do these 5 things impact you and your confidence?
Whether you are new to being away from work or you have experienced it for years, it is okay to have complex feelings about it. Don't feel guilty for needing other aspects of your cup filled. You can be a great stay-at-home mom and be working towards other fulfillment and growth.