How to Break Out of the Default Parent Role During the Holidays
Let me set the scene: It’s a holiday gathering, and you’re doing all the things. Refilling snack plates, rescuing toddlers from tipping over poinsettias, and attempting to keep sticky little hands off the fancy tableware. Meanwhile, your partner is laughing with their siblings or deep in a nostalgic chat with their parents. You’re too busy to be annoyed, but later, you feel that familiar frustration bubbling up.
It’s exhausting, and it doesn’t have to be this way. If you’re tired of being the default parent during holiday chaos, it’s time to try shift work.
What Is Shift Work in Parenting?
Shift work is a simple system where you and your partner trade off being “on-duty” with the kids. It’s not about splitting everything 50/50 every second of the day—it’s about creating space for both of you to enjoy the holidays.
Let’s be honest: no one can relax and connect with family if one of you is stuck in default mode while the other plays guest of honor. Shift work changes that dynamic, giving you both time to be a person at these events.
Why Does This Even Matter?
When one parent is always the go-to for childcare, it’s easy for tension and resentment to sneak in. It might start small—an eye roll here, a grumble there—but over time, it chips away at your connection.
You deserve to enjoy the season just as much as your partner. And when you both feel supported, the whole vibe changes. You’re no longer two people on different tracks—you’re a team.
How to Use Shift Work During Holiday Gatherings
1. Lay It Out Beforehand
Here’s the deal: shift work doesn’t just magically happen. Before the event, sit down with your partner and map out what you both want from the gathering.
Do they want time to catch up with cousins?
Do you dream of sitting for five minutes with a plate of cookies you didn’t have to share?
Once you’re clear on each other’s priorities, decide who’s on kid duty and when. For example, one of you might take the first hour while the other gets to mingle, then switch.
2. Be Realistic About Curveballs
Let’s get this straight: kids are still kids. Someone’s going to spill hot chocolate on grandma’s rug, and someone else will decide mid-dinner that shoes are overrated.
When the unexpected happens, communicate. A quick “Can you jump in here?” can make all the difference. Just make sure the backup plan doesn’t become the default plan for one of you.
3. Focus on Flexibility, Not Perfection
You know those moments where you thought you’d get 30 kid-free minutes, but it didn’t quite pan out? That’s okay. Shift work isn’t about rigid rules—it’s about mutual respect and teamwork.
If the plan needs to shift mid-event, roll with it, but keep the bigger picture in mind: both of you deserve time to enjoy the gathering.
What If My Partner Doesn’t Get It?
Maybe your partner doesn’t see the imbalance yet. Or maybe they do, but they’re not sure how to step in. Here’s how to approach it:
Start with curiosity: “Have you noticed how different our roles feel at these gatherings?”
Be clear without blame: “I feel like I’m always on kid duty, and it’s hard for me to enjoy the holidays.”
Suggest the win-win: “If we take turns, we both get a break and can enjoy this season together.”
Why It’s Worth the Effort
Here’s what shift work does:
It’s a vibe changer. You’re no longer just surviving the holidays—you’re enjoying them.
It’s relationship gold. Working as a team makes you feel closer, not just as parents but as partners.
It models teamwork. Your kids see what a true partnership looks like, and trust me, they’re paying attention.
One More Thing
If this all feels easier said than done, I get it. Change isn’t always smooth, especially if default mode has been running the show for years. That’s where outside help, like relationship coaching, can be a game-changer.
Coaching gives you tools to communicate better, find solutions that stick, and rebuild the connection that feels just out of reach.
Want More Ideas?
This is just the start. On my latest podcast episode, I’m diving into real-life examples of shift work in action—plus tips for getting on the same page with your partner when the stakes (and the holiday stress) are high.
Let’s rewrite the script this season. You don’t have to carry it all. You and your partner can tackle this together, and the result? A holiday season that actually feels good.