When You And Your Partner Disagree on Parenting Styles

Parenting isn’t easy, especially when you and your partner don’t see eye to eye on how to approach it. Maybe you lean toward a gentle, empathetic style, while your partner feels a stronger focus on discipline is key to raising a well-rounded child. Or perhaps you’re the one who feels more structure is necessary for everyone's sanity, while your partner favors a more relaxed approach. Whatever the case, differing parenting styles can cause stress and tension—but they can also become an opportunity to grow together and develop a balanced, meaningful approach to parenting.

Listen friend, you're not the first or last couple to deal with this but that doesn't mean it's easy. I'm here to help you bridge the gap in your parenting styles and find common ground that both of you can feel good about. I hope this blog post gives you some great ideas and starting points, and also recognize that this can be more individually approached and improved with coaching, so if that is what you need right now, schedule a call with me to learn about working together.

1. Find Your Shared Goals and Values

When parenting feels tense, it’s easy to lose sight of the big picture. Take a step back and consider what matters most to both of you. You both love your child, and ultimately, you both want what’s best for them. This shared goal is a powerful starting point.

Take some time to talk through the values you want to instill in your child. Maybe it’s kindness, respect, independence, or resilience. When you both align on core values, it becomes easier to see that you’re not so far apart—you’re both invested in your child’s well-being. Approaching the conversation from a place of shared love and common goals can reduce tension and help you focus on collaborating instead of competing. And if that hasn't been your style lately, I can help facilitate some conversations to get you back in a good place.

Conversation Prompt

Ask each other: “What are the top three values we want to raise our child with?”

Use this as a resource: How to Identify Your Family Values

2. Understand Each Other’s Perspective and Intentions

One of the most important steps in bridging the gap is understanding why each parenting approach matters to each of you. For example, one parent may feel that gentle parenting encourages emotional growth and self-awareness. The other parent might believe that discipline and structure are essential for teaching accountability and respect.

Ask each other what you hope to accomplish through your chosen parenting styles. By unpacking the “why” behind your approaches, you’ll gain valuable insight into each other’s priorities and fears. This can help you recognize that neither of you is simply “right” or “wrong”—you’re both coming from a place of care and concern.

Conversation Prompt

Ask each other: “What do you want our child to gain from this approach?”

3. Blend Elements from Both Approaches

Gentle parenting and a disciplined approach don’t have to be opposites. In fact, when thoughtfully combined, they can complement each other beautifully. Many aspects of gentle parenting (like validating emotions) work well alongside a framework of discipline and boundaries.

For example, you might choose to set consistent limits (discipline) on screen time while offering choices within those limits (gentle approach). Or, when a child has a tantrum, you can acknowledge their feelings without punishment, then discuss ways to communicate respectfully. Combining approaches can build a home environment that fosters both security and responsibility. And also, finding this blend could be difficult to navigate alone, so this is another area I can make it easier for you with coaching support. 

Joint Strategy Example

“Let’s agree to allow our child to express their emotions without judgment. After they’ve calmed down, we can follow up with a conversation about respectful ways to express themselves.”

4. Make Joint Plans for Specific Situations

Sometimes, it’s the day-to-day challenges—like bedtime, mealtime, or big emotions—that test parenting styles. Instead of waiting until you’re in the heat of the moment, pick a few areas where you can plan ahead together. This gives both of you a say in the approach, making it easier to stay on the same page. If your conversation often feels flustered, I got you. Listen to this episode of the Better Relationships After Baby Podcast.

If bedtime, for example, is a recurring struggle, decide together how to handle it in a way that balances both approaches. Maybe you incorporate a calming bedtime routine (gentle parenting) along with clear expectations for settling down at a specific time (discipline). By crafting a joint plan, you create a sense of unity, which can also help reduce stress for your child.

Joint Plan Example

“Let’s establish a 15-minute bedtime wind-down, then set a clear expectation that it’s lights out at 8:00 p.m.”

5. Prioritize Consistency over Perfection

More than anything else, kids need consistency. When parents consistently show a united approach—whatever that approach looks like—children feel secure and less confused. Consistency can mean that while one parent’s style may be more prominent in certain situations, the overall values and boundaries stay the same.

Perfection in your parenting styles isn’t necessary, and disagreements will still come up. But aiming for consistent boundaries and rules, while allowing for moments of flexibility, helps create a strong foundation for your child. And as parents, knowing that “consistent” is more important than “perfect” can also reduce the pressure and guilt you might feel.

Reflection Prompt

Ask each other: “How can we make sure our approach feels reliable to our child, even if it’s not perfect?”

6. Embrace Flexibility and Growth

Finally, remember that parenting isn’t static. It’s okay for both of you to adapt and evolve as you learn more about what works best for your family. If a particular approach isn’t yielding the desired outcome, give yourselves the freedom to adjust. Periodic check-ins are a great way to touch base on what’s working, what isn’t, and where you can compromise in your parenting styles. If you're not checking in with one another regularly, let's fix that! Regular check-ins are the #1 predictor of success for the couples I work with. Even if you're not ready for long-term coaching, I'm happy to help you set up these check-ins.

By staying flexible, you’re modeling an important lesson for your child: learning and growth are part of life, and it’s okay to adapt as you go.

Check-In Prompt

Schedule a monthly or quarterly “parenting check-in” to discuss what’s working, what’s challenging, and how you can support each other moving forward.

Parenting Styles Grow and Evolve with You

Parenting is deeply personal, and it’s easy to feel frustrated when your partner’s parenting style clashes with your own. But remember: by focusing on shared values, respecting each other’s perspectives, and prioritizing consistency, you can create a balanced approach that honors both of your strengths. This journey will show your child not only the value of your chosen parenting path but also the importance of partnership and teamwork in family life.

Disagreements will still arise, but by approaching them with respect and openness, you’ll be building a stronger, united front—and showing your child the power of two people working together for a shared purpose. If you are ready to take action on your communication and teamwork, then coaching is for you. Let's talk about how you can be the team you want to be and enjoy more of parenting and family together.