How to Overcome Relationship Defensiveness

Relationship Defensiveness is a common issue for couples, especially during the early days of parenthood. The stress of new responsibilities, lack of sleep, and emotional challenges can make communication more difficult and lead to defensive reactions. In this blog post, we'll explore what relationship defensiveness looks like, why it happens, and effective strategies to manage it.

What Does Defensiveness Look Like in Relationships After a Baby?

Defensiveness often shows up in various ways in relationships, particularly during the challenging times of early parenthood. Here are some common examples:

• Blame Shifting
  Example: Your partner mentions that you didn’t prepare the baby's bottle last night. A defensive response might be, “Well, you didn’t change their diaper before bed.”
  Why it Happens: Blame shifting redirects the perceived attack. When you're exhausted and emotionally spent, admitting fault can feel like another burden. This reaction is a protective mechanism to avoid feeling more guilt or shame.
• Counterattacks
  Example: One partner says, “You’ve been so distant lately.” A defensive comeback might be, “Well, you’re always on your phone.”
  Why it Happens: Counterattacks deflect criticism and express pent-up frustrations. By pointing out the other person's faults, it shifts focus and alleviates some emotional burden, though it ultimately exacerbates the conflict.
• Excuses
  Example: You ask your partner why they didn’t help with the laundry, and they respond, “I was too busy with work.”
  Why it Happens: Excuses protect self-esteem. Admitting that you didn’t fulfill a task can feel like an admission of inadequacy, which is particularly sensitive during high-stress periods like new parenthood.
  Related: How to get your partner to help more
• Denial
  Example: You mention that you feel your partner is not engaged with the baby. A defensive denial might be, “That’s not true, I spend lots of time with the baby.”
  Why it Happens: Denial serves as an immediate way to avoid uncomfortable truths. Acknowledging shortcomings can feel overwhelming, so denial acts as a temporary shield against this discomfort.
• Rationalizing
  Example: When your partner says they felt hurt by something you said, a defensive rationalization might be, “I was just joking, you’re too sensitive.”
  Why it Happens: Rationalizing justifies one's behavior to avoid feeling guilty. It maintains a sense of being right, even at the expense of the partner's feelings, preventing genuine emotional connection.

Why Defensiveness Happens with New Parents

Relationship defensiveness often stems from a desire to protect one's ego, especially during the tumultuous period of early parenthood. This self-protective mechanism kicks in when individuals perceive a threat to their self-esteem or identity. For new parents, who are already navigating significant emotional and physical changes, criticism can feel particularly piercing. When one partner comments on perceived shortcomings—whether it's about parenting duties, emotional availability, or household responsibilities—the other might react defensively to shield themselves from feelings of inadequacy or failure.

Understanding that relationship defensiveness is fundamentally about ego protection can help couples approach conflicts with more empathy and patience, recognizing that behind the defensive response is often a vulnerable and overwhelmed individual seeking validation and support.

Strategies to Address Relationship Defensiveness

Understanding defensiveness is the first step. Here are some effective strategies to manage it:

• Develop Self-Awareness
  Action: Reflect on what triggers your defensiveness. Maybe it's feeling undervalued or overwhelmed. By understanding your triggers, you can better control your responses.
  Example: If you notice that you get defensive when your partner comments on your parenting, take a moment to breathe and acknowledge that feeling. Instead of reacting, say something like, “I hear you. Let’s talk about how we can support each other better.”
  Why it Works: Developing self-awareness helps you understand the root causes of your defensiveness. This awareness can reduce reactive responses and foster more constructive communication. It’s about recognizing patterns and learning to pause before reacting, which is crucial during the emotionally charged period of early parenthood.
• Practice Empathy
  Action: Try to see things from your partner’s perspective. When they express a concern, instead of immediately defending yourself, validate their feelings.
  Example: If your partner says, “I feel like I’m doing everything,” respond with, “I can see how you might feel that way. How can we balance things better?”
  Why it Works: Practicing empathy helps de-escalate potential conflicts and builds emotional connection. By validating your partner’s feelings, you show that you value their perspective, which can diffuse defensiveness and open the door to more supportive interactions.
• Use "I" Statements
  Action: Express feelings and concerns using “I” statements rather than “You” statements. For example, "I feel overwhelmed and need more help with the baby" instead of "You never help with the baby."
  Example: This way, you’re expressing your needs without sounding accusatory, which reduces the chance of a defensive response.
  Why it Works: “I” statements focus on your own experiences and feelings, making it less likely for your partner to feel attacked. This approach encourages a more open and less defensive dialogue, which is essential for resolving issues collaboratively.
• Create a Safe Environment
  Action: Establish a non-judgmental space where both partners can express themselves freely without fear of criticism.
  Example: Schedule a weekly ‘no judgment’ conversation time where you both can discuss any concerns or feelings openly.
• Why it Works: A safe environment promotes honest communication and reduces the fear of being judged or criticized. Regular check-ins provide a structured opportunity to address concerns before they escalate, fostering a supportive and understanding relationship dynamic.

Working with a Professional Coach to Address Relationship Defensiveness

If defensiveness is causing more arguments and less joy in your relationship, consider working with me in relationship coaching. I can help you both navigate these challenges and develop healthier communication patterns. As a third party, I’m here to promote you both as a team and as individuals. This creates an empowering way to get everything out on the table, get on the same page together, and learn how your similarities and differences impact the relationship. This will drastically reduce conflict and give you ways to handle it in a healthy way. Then you get to practice these skills and conversations with me as a non-biased 3rd party rooting for your success. It’s like having training wheels that help you build your new habits together.  Learn more about relationship coaching here.

Defensiveness is a natural response, especially under the stress of new parenthood, but it doesn’t have to dominate your relationship. By developing self-awareness, practicing empathy, using “I” statements, creating a safe environment, and seeking professional help when needed, you can foster a more understanding and supportive partnership.

I’m rooting for you, for your relationship, and for your family. We make the world a better place one home at a time. If you haven’t already, make sure to join the Better Relationships After Baby Facebook group where my free resources live along with free monthly challenges to help you and your partner.