Overcoming Misunderstandings and Resentment as New Parents

Sometimes, it feels like you're living in a completely different world from your partner. You may base your feelings, your reactions, and even your communication on the story that’s running through your head. And when those stories don’t match up, it’s easy to hit misunderstandings and disagreements that aren't even based on reality.

This can be especially true when you have a new baby. There’s so much going on, and you barely have the time to sit down and get the real story from your partner. Sound familiar?

Bad Communication From Untrue or Partially True Stories in Our Head

Let’s talk about what happens when we let these mismatched stories guide us:

• Building Resentment: You might start resenting your partner for something that isn’t even true. For example, you might tell yourself your partner doesn't care about something when in reality they are drowning in their own hidden overwhelm or unsure or lack confidence in what to do.
  
  For example, you might be telling yourself that your partner doesn't desire you physically when in reality they are just so touched out. Their body is tired and their nervous system is so dysregulated that they don't even know how to receive touch. In this situation, you might build resentment around the stories you tell yourself, and then resentment becomes part of your conversation, your physical interactions, and your emotional interactions.
  
• Negative Feelings: You might feel inadequate, unloved, or undesired, all based on a story that’s only half the truth. It’s easy to spiral into feelings of loneliness and frustration. These feelings take root in your mind and body and can bring down your mood and overall feeling.
  
  When this happens, it's easy to spiral into feelings of loneliness, and frustration, and one inaccurate story can actually grow into a number of stories with branches and pieces that are built on something that is not the whole truth.
  
• Avoiding Important Issues: Sometimes, you and your partner might avoid addressing a real issue because you've convinced yourself everything’s fine—or worse, gaslight your partner’s needs if you’re telling yourself a more positive story that isn't accurate. This can create a huge gap between what’s really happening and what we believe is happening and take away from opportunities to address real struggles and find growth.

Examples I see In My New Parent Clients

1. Touch Out/Physical Desirability: After a day of taking care of the baby, you’re touched out. Every touch feels overwhelming. Your partner starts to feel like you don't desire them anymore because you aren’t initiating intimacy. But you are just trying to get back to a baseline of feeling like yourself again and can’t fathom more touch.
   Related: What Does it Mean to be Touched Out?
   
2. Desire to Help vs. Confidence to Step In: Your partner wants to help with the baby but doesn’t feel confident. Instead of saying this, they step back. You interpret their hesitation as disinterest or laziness, but they’re actually just afraid of doing something wrong.
   
3. Control and Decision Making: One of you starts making all the decisions about the baby and household because it feels more efficient. The other partner starts to feel left out or undermined, thinking you don’t trust them to make good decisions.
   
4. Work and Time Away from Home: Your partner starts working extra hours. You feel like they’re choosing work over family, avoiding home responsibilities. But maybe they’re working more because they feel insecure about finances and want to ensure the family is provided for.

Working Overtime: A Personal Story of Missed Communication

I remember when my husband was working overtime. The story I told myself was that he was avoiding his responsibilities at home, leaving me feeling lonely, resentful, and exhausted. But his story was completely different. He felt unsure and lacked confidence with a new baby but knew he could work hard to make more money and make life easier for us. I would be boiling with resentment, thinking he was choosing work over us, while he was sacrificing in his way and also feeling exhausted and frustrated.

During those times, I felt like I was carrying the entire burden of parenting. Every time he left for work early or came home late, my mind spun tales of abandonment and neglect. I thought, "Why doesn’t he want to be here? Doesn’t he care about us?"

On the flip side, he was thinking, "I need to work harder to make sure we’re financially stable. I’m doing this for us." He felt his way of contributing was through financial security, especially when he felt less competent with the baby. Neither of us talked about it for a long time and those unspoken stories created a huge rift. We were telling ourselves stories about the situation that were only partially true and created resentment and disconnect. One we got these stories out and had help sorting through them, we were able to figure out what was true, what was working, and what needed to change to better support our relationship and family.

Making Your Relationship Better with Open Communication

So, what can you do about this to make things better? Here are a couple of solutions:

1. Start Conversations with Clarity: Try starting your conversations with, “The story I’m telling myself is ____. Is that how you’re experiencing this?”
   
   This simple statement (sharing your truth) followed by a question opens up the space for honesty and understanding. This simple phrase can be incredibly disarming and pave the way for a genuine connection.
   
2. Value Work: Take some time to align your values and priorities. Make sure you’re both working from the same foundation so your stories can start to sync up more naturally. When you hit a rift or need to make a decision, check in with your top values to give you a shared foundation to do that.
   
3. Regular Check-Ins: Set aside time each week for a quick check-in. It doesn’t have to be long—just a few minutes to touch base about how each of you is feeling and what stories might be brewing in your minds.
   
4. Journaling Together: Sometimes writing down your thoughts can help clarify the stories you’re telling yourself. Try journaling together and then sharing your entries. This can be a safe way to explore your feelings without immediate confrontation.
   (If you need a new journal, these are my favorite sturdy, lined journals!)
   
5. Coaching: Sometimes, these issues are just hard to navigate alone. Seeking help from a professional can provide new perspectives and tools to help you both understand each other better and give you both a neutral third party to help you get on the same page. This is exactly what I do with my couple’s clients- we get the stories out of your heads and then work to get you back on the same page so you can be a strong team and get back to your happy place in your relationship.

There is Hope for a Better Relationship After Baby!

If you’ve felt misunderstood or disconnected from your partner, I’d love for you to join my free Facebook group, Better Relationships After Baby. In this group, I host free monthly challenges to help make your relationship better after having a baby. We dive into the top reasons new parents fight and explore mindset and strategy changes to help you argue with more respect and find real solutions. This challenge is all about creating a stronger, more understanding relationship foundation during one of the most challenging times of your life.

Has having a baby been difficult on your relationship? If so, you're not alone and the good news is, I can help. Schedule a free call with me here to explore relationship coaching for expecting or new parents.