Why Do We Feel the Need to Justify, Explain, and Defend Ourselves in Conversations?

Do you find yourself over-explaining your decisions or defending your actions in conversations, even when you don’t need to? If so, you’re not alone. This common habit is called JED—Justify, Explain, Defend—and it’s something many of us slip into without even realizing it.

While it might feel like you’re clarifying your thoughts or intentions, JED can actually create unnecessary tension, especially in your most important relationships. Today, I’m diving into what JED is, why we’re so wired for it, and how we can break the cycle for healthier, more intentional communication.

What Is JED?

JED stands for Justify, Explain, Defend. I first heard about it on The Shadow and the Light podcast, where Dr. Elizabeth Winkler explained how this pattern shows up in our daily lives. She described JED as the instinct to over-clarify our thoughts, decisions, or feelings in order to feel validated or understood.

JED often sounds like:

• “I can’t come because I’ve been so busy, the kids are overwhelming, and I really need a break...”

• “I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just trying to help because you seemed stressed...”

• “I chose this school for my kids because I think it’s better for their learning style, and here’s why...”

While we might think these explanations bring clarity or avoid conflict, they often do the opposite. Instead of connecting with others, we can come across as defensive or unsure of ourselves.

Why Are We Wired for JED?

As Dr. Winkler explains, JED comes from our natural desire to feel safe, understood, and validated. It’s part of how our brains are wired—we’re social beings who want to maintain connection and avoid conflict.

However, this survival mechanism doesn’t always serve us in modern relationships. When we constantly justify, explain, or defend ourselves, we often:

• Lose focus on the bigger picture: The need to over-explain can shift the conversation away from what really matters.

• Appear defensive or insecure: Instead of building trust, JED can unintentionally create doubt or tension.

• Exhaust ourselves: Constantly defending our choices can be draining, especially if we’re doing it to please others.

How JED Impacts Relationships

JED often shows up most in our closest relationships because we care deeply about how we’re perceived by those we love. However, this pattern can unintentionally strain communication.

Here are some common ways JED impacts relationships:

• With partners: Defending small mistakes can turn minor disagreements into bigger arguments.

• With family: Justifying your parenting choices can feel like a never-ending cycle, especially when family members have strong opinions.

• With friends: Over-explaining why you can’t attend an event can leave you feeling guilty or misunderstood.

While these moments may seem small, they add up over time, creating frustration and disconnection.

How to Break the JED Cycle

The good news? JED is a habit, and like any habit, it can be changed with awareness and practice. Here are some steps to help you break the cycle:

1. Pause Before Responding.
   When you notice yourself starting to explain or defend, pause. Ask yourself: “Am I trying to justify myself? What’s my goal in this conversation?”

2. Keep It Simple.
   You don’t need to explain every decision or action in detail. Practice saying less, like:

   • Instead of: “I can’t come because I’ve had a really overwhelming week, and I just need to rest.”

   • Try: “I can’t make it, but thank you for inviting me.”

3. Get Comfortable with Discomfort.
   It’s okay if someone doesn’t fully understand or agree with your choices. Trust that your decisions are valid without needing external validation.

4. Practice Active Listening.
   Instead of defending your perspective, focus on understanding the other person’s. Reflective responses like, “I hear that this upset you. Let’s talk about it,” can shift the conversation away from defensiveness.

The Benefits of Letting Go of JED

Breaking free from JED is more than a communication shift—it’s a mindset change that can transform your relationships and personal growth.

Here’s what you’ll notice when you let go of JED:

• Clearer Communication: Your words become more intentional and focused, which makes conversations more meaningful.

• Stronger Relationships: When you stop defending yourself, you create space for genuine connection and understanding.

• Increased Confidence: You’ll feel more secure in your decisions, no longer needing constant validation from others.

How Relationship Coaching
Can Help

If you’ve realized that JED is showing up in your conversations, coaching can be a powerful tool to help you break the habit. Together, we can:

• Identify the situations where JED is most likely to appear.

• Explore what’s behind your need to justify, explain, or defend.

• Build strategies to communicate with confidence and clarity.

This work isn’t just about improving your conversations—it’s about showing up in your relationships and your life with intention, authenticity, and peace.

Let’s Work Together
If you’re ready to let go of JED and create healthier, more meaningful relationships, let’s connect. Coaching is a safe space to explore these patterns and make lasting changes.

Learn more about how we can work together here.

Breaking free from JED doesn’t happen overnight, but with mindful effort and support, it’s absolutely possible. Let’s work together to create the connection, clarity, and confidence you deserve.