How to Get in the Mood Again as a New Mom
Facing the Challenge of Intimacy After Baby
Are you struggling in the intimacy after baby arena with your partner after welcoming a new baby? The journey into parenthood is incredibly rewarding, but it also brings profound changes that can challenge your intimacy and connection. If you're feeling overwhelmed and unsure how to bridge the gap with your partner, you’re not alone. I've been there personally and I've walked numerous couples through this change. It's one of the less discussed topics, but one that impacts us all. I want you to feel seen, understood, and hopeful about what is possible for you, your partner, and your relationship.
Why It's Harder to Get in the Mood Post-Baby
Hormone Changes After a Baby
Let’s start by addressing why it can be particularly challenging to get in the mood after welcoming a new baby into your lives. The rollercoaster of childbirth and parenting brings about huge changes that affect both partners. For new moms, hormonal fluctuations play a significant role. During pregnancy, the body experiences heightened levels of hormones like estrogen and progesterone, which are essential for supporting pregnancy. However, after childbirth, these levels plummet quickly, leading to changes in mood, energy levels, and overall well-being. When this is coupled with the hormonal shifts from breastfeeding, which can suppress libido and cause vaginal dryness, these changes can make intimacy feel like a distant memory.
Sleep Deprivation After a Baby
Sleep deprivation further compounds these challenges. Newborns require around-the-clock care, disrupting sleep patterns and leaving parents physically exhausted. The mental load of parenting, including feeding schedules, diaper changes, doctor appointments, and adjusting to new routines, also takes a toll. Many new moms experience a shift in identity and grapple with body image issues as they adjust to their post-baby look and feel. These factors collectively impact intimacy after baby by creating barriers to feeling physically and emotionally connected with your partner.
Changes Dad Experiences After a Baby
It’s important to recognize that dads undergo significant changes too, although they are different ones. While not experiencing the same hormonal shifts as moms, dads often face increased responsibilities and emotional adjustments. The stress of supporting their partner, coping with sleep deprivation, and adjusting to a new family dynamic can also affect their desire for intimacy after baby. Additionally, postpartum depression isn't exclusive to moms; it can also impact dads, bringing feelings of sadness, anxiety, or overwhelm, further impacting their libido and emotional availability.
The Importance of Understanding Your Turn-On Needs
Understanding your turn-on needs post-baby requires introspection and reflection. Take time to consider what has changed for you – mentally, emotionally, and physically – to feel in the mood again. Each person’s needs are unique and may evolve after becoming parents. Starting with self-reflection is key.
Physically, your body’s needs may have shifted. Rest becomes crucial for replenishing energy levels necessary for intimacy. Gentle exercises like yoga or walks can help you reconnect with your body and build confidence. Addressing any physical discomfort, such as vaginal dryness, through conversations with healthcare providers or using appropriate lubricants can also help.
Physical Needs After Baby
Exploring your body through masturbation is another empowering way to rediscover what feels good and communicate this with your partner. It’s a safe space to experiment and understand your post-baby body’s responses, helping you to rebuild sexual confidence. Try incorporating different techniques, exploring different erogenous zones, or even experimenting with different types of touch to discover what you enjoy now. When you're able to do this, you can then communicate with your partner what does and doesn't feel good in this season.
Mental Needs After a Baby
Mentally, reducing stress and creating mental space is vital. Incorporate practices like meditation, deep breathing, or making time, even just a few minutes for hobbies to relax and rejuvenate. Consider mindfulness exercises, like guided meditations on apps such as Headspace or Calm, which can help you stay grounded and focused. Delegating tasks and setting boundaries for 'me time' can alleviate the mental load, making room for intimacy after baby. Simple practices like a daily walk, a warm bath, or even just sitting quietly with a cup of tea can significantly boost your mental well-being. Remember, making that space isn't taking away from your family. It is getting you to the place you need to be so you can show up more fully with and for your family.
Emotional Needs
Emotionally, seek connection and understanding from your partner. Open communication about your feelings and needs fosters emotional intimacy. Engage in activities together that deepen your bond, such as meaningful conversations or shared hobbies. Consider seeking guidance from a coach or counselor to navigate this transition effectively. Regularly affirming each other’s feelings and appreciating the little things can strengthen your emotional connection. Simple gestures like leaving a love note, giving a hug, or saying ‘I love you’ can make a big difference.
Communicating Your Needs to Your Partner
Once you’ve identified your turn-on needs, communicate them openly with your partner. Start conversations without blame, using 'I' statements to express feelings and desires. For example, say, "I feel loved when you refill my water bottle while I'm breastfeeding," or "I need some quiet time to relax by myself before I can think about connecting with you after a long day of being needed by the baby."
This approach minimizes defensiveness and opens up a space for understanding.
Creating a Plan Together
Collaborate on a plan to meet each other’s needs. Schedule regular date nights or intimacy sessions to reconnect without distractions. Setting realistic expectations ensures both partners feel respected and understood, fostering trust and closeness. You might decide on a weekly date night or a specific time each week dedicated to intimacy. Discussing and agreeing on what each of you needs can help avoid misunderstandings and ensure both partners feel valued and connected. This can also be tough to do when you feel like there are competing needs and little time and energy. I help my clients do this and see the big picture.
Practical Tips for Reigniting Intimacy After Baby
Physical Connection
Small gestures like holding hands, hugging, or kissing can rebuild physical intimacy gradually. Clarify intentions and boundaries to avoid pressure, ensuring these acts foster connection rather than the expectation to end in sex. Communicate openly about what feels good and what doesn’t, making sure you’re both comfortable and willing. This clarity can prevent feelings of pressure and help both partners feel more relaxed and connected.
Emotional Intimacy After Baby
Engage in activities that enhance emotional connection, such as deep conversations or shared interests. Consider professional guidance to strengthen communication and mutual understanding. I consistently help my clients understand their changes, their needs, and how to communicate that to be on the same team. Regularly affirming appreciation and love nurtures emotional closeness and supports intimate connection. Consider setting aside time each week for a ‘relationship check-in,’ where you both talk about your feelings, needs, and any challenges you’re facing. Activities like cooking together, taking a walk, or even just sitting quietly together can also help.
Mental Space
Manage stress through delegation, social support, and self-care routines. Create a calming environment at home to promote relaxation and openness to intimacy. Establishing boundaries for alone time preserves mental well-being, facilitating deeper connection with your partner. Consider creating a peaceful space in your home with calming colors, soft lighting, and soothing scents like lavender or eucalyptus. This environment can help you relax and feel more open to intimacy after baby.
Self-Care and Body Image
Prioritize self-care practices that affirm and rejuvenate you. Accept and celebrate your body’s journey, allowing it time to heal and adapt post-baby. With small pockets of time, do things that boost confidence and reinforce positive body image. Consider joining a body-positive group or working with a fitness coach who specializes in post-baby body recovery.
You Can Have Your Intimacy Back and Better
Navigating intimacy after baby requires patience, understanding, and proactive communication. By understanding your unique needs and those of your partner, you can nurture a fulfilling intimate relationship amidst the challenges of parenthood. Remember, intimacy is a journey that evolves over time. Taking small steps and prioritizing your well-being and connection with your partner lays the groundwork for a resilient and loving relationship.
If you're looking for a place to talk and learn more about this, join us in the free Better Relationships After Baby Facebook group.
If you and your partner want to get on the same page, move past resentment, and create powerful teamwork- I can help. My couple's coaching allows you to both get it on the table, make sense of the changes you've been through, and find ways to move forward together as a kickass team. Schedule a free call with me to learn more.